Freshman Orientation Day

I observed a couple of orientation seminars for incoming freshmen this summer. It was interesting. Both faculty and graduate students gave presentations that informed them of the various available services.

The manager of the campus book store explained how to make sense of the professors’ required books lists. I didn’t understand her explanation. Now I know why my students come to class with no books for the first few weeks of classes. (No one explained why so many books were required for some subjects and why some professors’ books never appeared on the shelves, nor was it explained why some professors required students to shell out $150.00 for a ten pound book when only one chapter would be needed for class).

My policy is one class, one book, and I advise students to buy it at the used book store across the street from campus.

Someone from the bursar’s office spent twenty minutes explaining university payment and check cashing policies: It doesn’t cash checks, not even ones issued by the university. It does accept cash and debit card payment for tickets issued by campus police and the parking garage Gestapo. Payment may also be made at the campus cop shop.

Someone from the registrar’s office explained the drop/add procedure, but it was not explained why there was no refund issued for a class dropped after a student had attended only one class. Students were admonished to be patient and not raise their voices at the buttercups who work there but cannot explain the statements that their office issues to students receiving financial aid.

The captain of the campus police put on an impressive audiovisual show about its SWAT team and its advanced weaponry and tactics. It featured the armored water cannon tank that it bought from the government a few years ago. Campus police also rolled out its new fleet of drones that are expected to be fully operational by early spring. The presentation was capped by a warning to all would-be campus reefer smokers that “campus police will find you and take you in handcuffs if you are found smoking the stuff anywhere on campus”. 

He emphasized anywhere. Right after that, he introduced campus police dog Stercutus, named after the Roman god of odor. If I recall Roman mythology correctly, Stercutus was the same god as Stercutius, the one that supervised the spreading of manure on the wheat fields. The police chief informed the rapt audience that the dog was  nicknamed Scoot.

If I were invited to make a presentation to help the incoming university freshman, I’d keep it short and simple.  

“Approach university life as you would a plate of brownies made by a stranger. Chew carefully, and expect nuts. Eat slowly for you may soon get a bellyful.”