Anonymous Professor Doesn’t Give a Hoot about Teacher Evaluations

 

This is how evaluations are handled at my diploma mill: a grad student barges into my class with a ream of questionnaires and hands one sheet out to each student while I take note of the color of the Sharpie that the class wise guys and malcontents have in their hands. Then I leave the classroom to get a cup of coffee and don't return to class. Each sheet has a list of twenty statements which the students indicate the degree to which they agree or disagree. That’s easy enough on the face of it, but a yes, no, or not applicable doesn’t tell the whole story.

I received useful feedback on my performance on my tests, papers, etc.

My pen marks and checks don’t help students? How about the grade? That D should on the student’s last paper should tell him something. Sheesh. If a student has a gripe, he can request a conference. The signup sheet is on my door. I'm usually booked solid for two months, but most students forget about their appointments. If they can hang around until a few minutes before my nap time, we can talk. Otherwise, TS, Eliot.

The professor came prepared for class.

This is an unfair question. In a freshman class, how the hell would students know if I’m prepared to teach the class? What the hell do those slackers know? Is this a question about my appearance? Did I shave before class? Was I disheveled? By the end of the day on Friday, my clothes are wrinkled and look like I’ve spent most of the day sleeping on the couch in my office— which I have. I nap for my students’ benefit. It helps me to maintain my high level of energy and good humor. Okay. So I sleep before class. BFD. Some of my students sleep in class. My own answer to this question is yes, I come to class prepared. I am rested and I think clearly.

Some of the women faculty dress nicely for class. They’re mostly the young adjuncts, the part-timers who are in the hole to the tune of megabucks for the cost of their education. They do their best to present the best possible image in class and out of class so they may score high performance evaluations and eventually join the academic country club. They probably present better classes than most of the graduate faculty. (There’s no way to know because most of us are closed-mouthed about our evaluations). Most of the adjuncts are really bright young faces who don’t belong in this university. Cutting them loose after their contract is up would be doing them a favor.

One of the tenured male professors wears a blue double breasted blazer, white shirt, and tan slacks to most classes. I hear students refer to him as Doctor Death because he assigns low grades to most of his students. I assign mostly low grades too, but I admit that my grading is haphazard. This guy keeps files on his students and not only tracks their grades, but he also keeps copies of their completed tests and papers in a filing cabinet in his office. He is known to leave papers in the faculty lounge that he thinks are brilliant. (More on that later). I suspect that those papers are transcriptions of his oh-so-brilliant lectures. I’ve had some of his A students in my class. They’re zombies who regurgitate everything I say in class onto their tests and midterm papers.  

The course was helpful in my progress toward my degree. 

This is tricky. Since the evaluations are anonymous, one can never be sure if the student took the class as an elective. Would a class titled The Many Perversions of Lord Byron be helpful to an Engineering major? An honest answer would be NO. A scary answer from an Engineering major would be YES.

Consistently positive ratings aren’t a good thing for a young, handsome PhD from a top ten university who looks like he just stepped out of the latest issue of GQ. Consistently high ratings might cause him to be considered “too charismatic” (a euphemism for a potential skirt chaser and/or a slick politician), thus putting his chances at a renewed contract at peril. The GQ factor isn’t as disturbing to the Departmental Powers That Be as are the political implications of consistently high ratings. Some may fear that he’ll slither and schmooze his way into a plum position shortly after he fast tracks his way into tenure.

Fortunately, my GQ factor is a negative number. Years ago, my wife suggested that I change my wardrobe, get a brow-and-cheek lift, and wear contact lenses, but I decided against it. My evaluations from previous semesters are mostly neutral. That’s a good thing too. If the students have low expectations of me, the department chair has even lower expectations, a benchmark that I have no problems maintaining. A revised wardrobe and a  brow-and-cheek lift might raise my GQ level and put me up for tenure review.

A worst case scenario would put put me in consideration for department chair, something I wouldn’t want under any circumstances. That would mean I’d have to attend all of the damned faculty meetings.